#livedeathwatch


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2018/01/16 08:08:16

@killertit
I ❤️ Little House on The Prairie. I watched it on repeats after school growing up and I find watching it soothing. 💆🏻‍♀️ .🏡Today, one of my favorite eps was on, “Remember Me," a 2-part ep. of how Mr. Edwards gets a family and is centered around Ingall's family friend Julia Sanderson who is dying and must find her 3 kids a home, asking Pa to help. (Guess who plays the youngest orphans, but lil #KyleRichards. (future Househoney of #BH, 90210))..📺 . ⚰️Back on track, part one ends with the funeral of strong-willed and empowered Julia. Prior to her death, she asked Rev. Alden to read a note she wrote for her funeral. It is everything a final note and legacy should be: moving, poignant and succinct. I agree with her wholeheartedly. ... ⚰️ . ✨ .#LHOTP #legacy #deathwish #rememberme #funeral #deathpositive #livedeathwatch #deathisnatural #cemetery #deathwithdignity #littlehouse #sendoff #70s #cozitv #memorial #gravesite #remembrance #eulogy #dabbsgreer #capricorn #kylerichards #70stv #rhobh #funeralscene #rainyfuneral #deathwish #eloquence
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2018/01/13 04:07:43

@killertit
Going 2 see my Dr. Is like being sent 2 the principal's office, that threat of punishment looms & the anxiety of death. Getting off is possible, but not w/o a few slaps on the wrist (aka needle pricks). This time, keeping stable & I even have ideal blood pressure (121/70)! .▫️Usually calm, this time I was expecting the worst. I live in 3 to 6 month increments, dependent on tolerating & metabolizing the meds. Yet, despite my extraordinary talent 4 drugs, they do wear out & I never know when. Having gone past the normal expectancy of effectiveness plays w/my mind & I start feeling the walls closing in tighter -- knowing I'm losing a lost race, w/ odds slimming by the day.◽️Last night, I made the mistake of reading my own tarot cards. I asked what was going 2 happen. Although it was positive in feel, it indicated movement. Near it, a reversed wish card on the bottom, but not part of the reading & I don't do reversed. Instantly, I flip-out, interpreting it as progression. I can't help, but jump on the doom buggy & run myself over in my tracks. .▫️Whenever I see a bad omen, I magnetize 2 it in some weird attempt 2 solve or prepare 4 it. 2 impossible feats. .▫️Falling asleep, changes I need 2 make in my will & how sad saying goodbye turn me. I even tell my friend I'd let him know tomorrow if he should buy a black suit.▫️Finally, in the waiting room, in the am, I realized the card could be a trip. I've been wanting 2, but missed my last open window 2go anywhere exciting. If I got a green light again, I wanted out from winter. (Note 2 self, again, stop reading ur own cards & ignoring ur own rules.) .▫️Plus, in a rare surprise, I even got out of the hospital in less than 2 hrs, which is a record, as that's how long it can take 2 get blood drawn on other days....Happy & excited, life seems limitless again...Then, on my way home, I was trapped in the subway, stuck in a tunnel 4 over an hr....U get a little, u give a little. ⭕️.#waitingroom #livedeathwatch #scanxiety #deathpositive #divination #tarot #anxiety #cancersucks #dying #makeawish #psychicreading #deathcrawl #paranoia #fucancer #limbo #oncology #death #dayoflife #thisisus #deathawareness #waiting
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2018/01/12 11:30:50

@killertit
While I’m not religious in any traditional sense, I do believe in the power of prayer, meditation, inner reflection or whatever anyone wants to call the act of removing themselves from the hell of the everyday to re-center their self in a more positive way. This is not something I do on a regular basis, but it’s the start of a new year, so why not hope for the best? ..One way I go about it is with candles. This time around, I got a 3” diameter green candle and sat alone, focusing on the things that green represents to me: health, strength, stability, truth, etc. I carved those words into the candle, then lit it and meditated on the color, the words or whatever came to mind, letting whatever happen take me there. Even with five minutes, it’s an accomplishment. Opening my eyes, openness lit up was the first thing I saw. Even though I wrote it to myself, I still had one of those pause and think moments. ..Being on the way out, so much of the grieving process is about going over the past, rectifying choices and appreciating experiences. There is always this fury of reflection and while it’s awesome sometimes, as I have had a ton of fun, I do have to remind myself to keep moving ahead — not to get stuck in this limbo of “no future” (so punk rock. Lol). ..It’s hard to think of myself in future tense these days, but it’s happening, even as I type these words now. Like breathing, I often forget the mindfulness. Not that I ever lived with fear; I always did what I wanted, when I wanted or was hustling to be able to do something else better. However, getting the pink slip from life confuses me into thinking of myself in past tense and quantifying all that I am already, without putting out any red carpet for the me I still am becoming…That sounds horrible, right? Which is why I can say this little candle trick of mine really works. 2018, I’m still out to be me!..#livedeathwatch #scorpio #deathpositive #2018 #mediation #aha #duh #deathwatch #deathbed #green #candle #innerthinking #rant #badass #lifehack #forward #futuredreams #reflection #scorpio #living #dying #mercuryincapricorn #8thhouse #recenter #openness #goddess #innerpeace #ohm
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2018/01/11 03:12:47

@killertit
I'm a self-sabotager. In my last post, I was planning 2 write more often. 11 days later, I reappear! Blah, blah, blah. (#brokenresolution) ..The deep freeze zapped me. Once I got home (in time 4 BombCyclone), I wanted 2 play in the fluff, but once blasted in the face w/blinding gusts, I promptly headed in & closed the door 4 3 days. (Although, I Facetimed 2 bdays fiestas.) Thankfully, I'm a professional at being in the moment, especially if that moment is at home. I can hibernate like its an Olympic event. Plus, these days, alone behind closed doors is the only place life can be as perfect as I think it. As queen, the silence obeys me in a refusal 2 rouse. 2 further enrich the scene, I have all the accoutrements or numbing agents 2 fly my sloppy & blobby self free in my magical microland...Endless eye candy entertainment, books, art supplies, attempts 2 dance w/K-pop videos & a dialing ability 2 get whatever in an hr, this rarified mindset rules supreme. ...Another practice I indulge on my Mt. Olympus are beauty treatments. Astrologically, w/4 planets (Venus 2) in my house of beauty, vanity is my co-pilot & spa mode is always a perfect antidote 4 single digit weather. 1 of the easiest (cheapest) rituals is bathing. ..During winter, it takes x-effort 2 keep my skin from flaking off. My fave solution 4 DRY SKIN is add 2-3 cans of coconut milk 2 my bath. (Can $1-2.) I like adding rose petals 2, which are in Chinese supermarkets or tea shops. No matter, U can add whatever u want! Bouillabaisse urself in Epsom salts, avocado oil, blueberries, etc. ..Soak 4 however long, then pat dry. No need 4 lotion, because ur skin is already moisturized. 4 added effectiveness, blast urself w/cold water in the shower 2 seal pores, then towel off. Voila, a simple & practically free way 2 hydrate ur skin & revive parts of u..That is my nugget 4 today, reality calls me now... ..#beautysecret #winterskin #dryskin #coconutmilk #baths #bathing #spaday #ashiness #homespa #skincare #bathideas #coconut #livedeathwatch #diy #perfectskin #bath #hydrateskin #homespa #soak #bathculture #mortalbeing #naturalbeauty #cancerpatientproblems #relaxation
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2018/01/02 10:14:20

@killertit
Happy 2018!!!! Thank You to anyone and everyone that came and read my posts. Thank you even more to those that also sent kind & encouraging words. I appreciate all of it. I hope to be more regular with my posts and bond/entertain with more disgruntled people with a sick, but pointed, sense of humor. Love to you and wishing you all the best year ever -- which includes living until 2019 (aka: surviving this government.) #bestnine2017 #thankyou #happynewyear #2018 #deathpositive #livedeathwatch #llama #lips #lizards #cheers #fighting #loveu #herestohoping #badpresident #stageivneedsmore #metastaticbreastcancer #metavivor #micdrop #darkhumor #tumorhumor
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2018/01/01 03:10:03

@killertit
As I am learning, the c-card doesn't work, even around the holidays. I've only pulled it out in a bind, which I can count on 1 hand. Through my failures, I am realizing people think I'm lying -- which is so fucked up & naive of me 2 not expect people R that jaded....or it's as my new X-mas friend says, "They just don't care."☁️ 🥛How sad that admitting 2 cancer isn't sacred. I used my period 2 get out of gym in high school, but falsely claiming cancer is another level of sleaze. ☁️☁️As I said before, I don't look diseased or even maimed. I went right from diagnosis 2 hormone treatment w/o surgery. My Dr., whom I love & wish I met in another way, said studies show there's no advantage 2 removing the primary tumor when UR found at 4. Even so, many people w/dreadful diseases suffer invisibly before it goes full blown (which then really brings on the discomfort, awkwardness & isolation). ☁️☁️I don't have a training manual 2kicking it, but of the things I learned: there is no sympathy or breaks 2 any1 coping well. Even amid 'friends' & 'peers' like those I've met that know my condition & ask why I have boobs or how much money I saved -- which came across as a bitchy & gossipy, respectively, not as concern.☁️What bugs me most are those that fly a flag of righteousness, whether it be feminism or religion, 2 only include those in a camaraderie of the same shackles. If I have a half-inch more, it's rarely a celebration 4 any1, but me. 4 others, it's suspicion, jealousy, abandonment or a parasitic action shrouded by false emotions. ☁️ 🥛☁️I thought I'd get a break from the pettiness when a fatal disease entered, but it only magnified the discrepancies that make me itch. Justice is an invention & who knows what is right or wrong in the bigger picture, because it all really is that vague. Yet, 4 the world I want 2 live in & paint, seems 2 b running low on the materials needed 2 create such a thing. ☁️☁️Still, I believe it doesn't have 2 be this way. 🍾🥂🥛#2018 #goodbye2017 #bittersweet #happynewyear #resolutions #deathpositive #optimism #livedeathwatch #oprahsbookclub #amiright #humanityisdead #hopespringseternal #innerbeast #demons #werewolf #auldlangsyne
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2017/12/26 16:39:55

@killertit
[CONTINUED FROM THE POST BEFORE.] 🌑🌝🌚🌓🌒🌗🌕. .Over it, I put my bags down & text my parents. I go back 2begin, again. A bystander chimes in, "They should of let U on." 🖱🥚"I know, riiiight," Me griping. 🥚."It's X-mas," he says. 🥚.Then, 2others fill the spots. They strike conversation instantly & commiserate people R jerks. 1 reveals the other just had heart surgery. He then attests 2 how no one cares. 🥚.Then, I'm asked my sign. 🥚.The lights of glory suddenly radiating from 625 8th Ave. in2 the skies. Like the 3wise men, a trinity aligning or a living nativity forming, w/me as baby Jesus among her flock. Not only 2 who R astrology fans, writers & one an alumni 2my hs alma mater, but future friends that live along the same subway line! In a city such as this, this is a miracle like no other. 🖱.🙌As 4 the PA minion&NJT fucker: hope they enjoyed their 🎄🎁 of throwing their peen power that never compensates 4 all they obviously r uncompensated in, which is everything. ☁️ 🥚.Subsequently, the next bus in my Highway2Heaven moment, my guardian angels ensured I boarded 1st, which people online happily obliged 2. The driver even let a passenger buy a tix from him, but w/a warning that he can't really do that, but 1 time it'd be ok. Imagine? .⭐️🌈⭐️🌈⭐️ 🥚.#merrychristmas #portauthoritysucks #NJTransitsucks #bahhumbug #bullying #grinches #livedeathwatch #rudepeople #holidaymiracle #jerksbeingjerks #cancerpatient #deathpositive #minion #killmeknow #whatdyingislike #publictransportation #badsanta #kindnessofstrangers #christmasmiracle. #everythinghappensforareason #holidayhell #mercuryretrograde #christmas #overit #imagine #santa
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2017/12/26 13:32:34

@killertit
Miracle on 42nd St. 📯🖱I set my alarm 2 early, making sure I'd make the bus, 2 meet my parents2drive 2 my brother's 4 holiday festivities. I even pre-booked a cab 2get me 2 the nasty hole known as Port Authority on time, the grand roach motel. 🕳 .🥚I went 2 the gate, buying a ticket right b4, w/10 min 2 spare, texting my eta & bus#197. As I boarded, I reached in2 my pocket & ARGH! How could I misplace my ticket in an escalator ride? I dig everywhere & nothing. I tell the driver I have a ticket, I just have 2find...👤Meanwhile, a sweet Russian lady that spoke no English offered me money 2 buy my tix. (I had offered 2pay2 or buy a new ticket at my destination.) All rejected. I needed time, but NO. In seconds the driver told me 2get off. I told him I had a tix and I pulled out the c-card (The idea of going back to the machine pained me.) I had a disability ID. I could vouch, but I have a ticket and just needed 2find. He said no &seconds after, his thug cohort came over w/his clipboard. They mumble, then the tunnel troll barks 4 me 2get off & I was stalling every1. (Meanwhile, no1 was complaining, just them in the span of the 2min I spent looking 4 my ticket while the bus loaded.)🏁Of course, the sec. I get off, I find my ticket & the bus pulls out. I rush to stop. The Port Authority tunnel scab sees me and happily blurts out, "Nope, UR going 2have 2wait 30 min."🕧(Dickwads! ...the Russia woman thou ☺️.)🏳CONTINUED ON THE NEXT POST. 🎄⭐️🔥☄️ 🚌⭐️#merrychristmas #portauthority #NJTransit #bahhumbug #shameonyou #bully #christmasspirit #nevergonnagetit #seasonsgreetings #livedeathwatch #holidaymiracle #jerksbeingjerks #cancerpatient #deathpositive #minion #killmeknow #imagine #abc7eyewitness #runningupthathill #kindnessofstrangers #christmasmiracle #masculinity #everythinghappensforareason #NYC #holidayhell #mercuryretrograde #christmas #badsanta
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2017/12/24 13:58:57

@killertit
Six years ago, on this day, I was officially staged at 4 out of the gate and thrown into treatment. I don't know if I should cry or laugh today. So I danced. Dead or Alive (Brand New Lover) came on the shuffle and it's impossible to not lose it to that song.....💫....Sadly, I share the same date with my spiritual Siamese twin in which a surprise life changing diagnosis arrived for ( 🎈 )them a year prior (although that other kept it a secret.) Such a bizarre bond to an already supernatural bond. We laughed about being too good for this world! ....From life-of-the-party pair to a dynamic death duo with all the irony in the world....Coincidences are creepy sometimes. (It's always Halloween w/me.) 💫This hasn't marred my X-mas spirit though. I've had tons of shitty x-masses already, so it's just another for the pile...This year though, I'm feeling it. I bought gifts, wrapped them up & took a photo. I even have a 'real' tree--which has been never, because I never spend X-mas in my apt. (Not this year either)🎄I'm not a host of parties that require food to be the centerpiece of the event. I attend those every holiday though and have had some very merry merry times. This year, I keep my fingers crossed that it'll go swimmingly & that for the end of 2017, cancer will still have a chance to kill me before this administration does. 😬😦🎄Happy Holidays to y'all & to all a sweet night. 🎄🍾✊️📯🥂💋 #anniversary #livingwithdeath #deathwatch #cancerversary #weird #coincidences Fated to be fucked? #merrychristmas #stage4 #terminaldisease #mbc #christmasclapback #whatdyingfeelslike #metastaticbreastcancer #fuckcancer #badass #holidays #alligotforchristmaswascancer #herstory #deathpositive #livedeathwatch #friendsforeverThat's me dancing in my PJs, which I bought to wear on The Faroe Islands. #whalesrcool #whalelove #whale #seasons #ripgeorgemicheal #lastchristmas
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2017/09/22 16:10:59

@killertit
A double scorpio with a fatal disease, of course there's going to be drama. Recently, I learned the government have a code for people with a terminal disease, but only for their records. (I always knew I was special.) 🥚Ironically, if I were a hypochondriac, life could have been different -- as in a chance to have saved myself. I don't know for what though. I was never so rah rah about life and that would have killed me, being put into such a hellish fight. 🥚Instead, preservation, quality of life and whatever catchphrases sound the least harrowing are my treatment. File me under, "lost cause." 🥚Now, if I get a headache, maybe I'll think it's a brain tumor. Then, I hope it'll mean a instant & fatal aneurysm in my sleep, a painless exit while I'm still independent and ambulatory. That is what I wish for these days, blowing out candles or passing a fountain with a penny in hand. It's not morbid, just practical. 🥚#ashestoashes #dying #terminalillness #death #requiem #mbc #kissthis4mbc #dontignorestageiv #readme #ramblings #scorpio #fatalities #fucancer #wishing #depression #lifecycle #hypochondriac #fail #mortality #reality #necrosis #goth #lifecycle #lostcause #survivor #cosmos #photolab #killertit #livedeathwatch
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2015/09/26 13:23:46

@killertit
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2017/12/09 15:45:56

@killertit
I ran out of space for hashtagging my last post. Pls, go to my profile to see. I debunk the myth that people will b nicer if they find out u r dying. You can also read about when I got pulled over by a total jerk-off cop yesterday. 🚘#haters #badday #livedeathwatch #deathpositive #mean #dontignorestageiv #meanpeople #dying #thatblows #copstory #speedingticket #talkdeath #jerksbeingjerks #livingwithdeath #deathnote #weareinhell #deathwithdignity #deathisnatural #rant #narcissists #damagedgoods #mercuryretrograde #popo #marsentersscorpio #fighting #haroldandmaude Btw, pic of seaglass I saw yesterday.
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2017/12/09 15:01:57

@killertit
Befalling in2 #futurecorpse status, I thought people would get overly nice & talk 2me in that soft voice reserved 4 small animals &cancer patients. If only! Jerks R jerks &no defense stops 1 from riding roughshod over anything in their #narcissistic path. #Haters don’t die.🕸I get it. I look fine, but when U know, aren’t U suppose 2do better? Instead, I got false tears shed 4 my tragic news, which didn't result in a call of support, but their antics 2 gain attention. This person also said 2another I was making a bigger deal of "it" because she was moving abroad. This was during staging & having only talked to 3 friends 4weeks. I'd never want 4 attention of a pitiful kind. I abhor that.🕸Not like I have 2 defend myself, but I was blindsided. I never got sick. I ran up & down 10flts of stairs in less than 2 minutes. If I concentrated, I could do 6miles/hr on the elliptical & suddenly palliative treatment was my life. I was numb. 🕸🕸Dec. 23, 2011 is when the ax fully fell.2days later, what do I get 4X-mas? A crazy bitch charging@me, baby on hip, screaming in my face about ignoring her. It escalated in seconds 2 how I didn’t go 2 the hospital when she had a day procedure of removing pre-cancerous cells — which happened 10+yrs ago. (I had HPV 2. Where was my parade when my warts fell off?)🕸 🕸This world is filled w/damaged people that need release. Due 2 this, I’m debunking the #myth that cancer is the key 2getting kindness. In fact, 2day, I was pulled over 4 speeding. I NEVER use the C-card, unless it’s dire. When he approached, he asked how my day was. I said, “Not great, I’m late 4 a cancer retreat.” 🕸🕸He apologizes & goes in2 his spew. Granted, I was going fast, but I never drove this car& the accelerator was light. I was running late 4check-in: a perfect storm w/my out-of-state plates. Then, I couldn’t find the registration, because it was a rental. He took my license. I mention I have a 10:30am check-in, but he takes4ever b4 giving me a $200+tix. Also, he put the highest speed, not the lowest he quoted. I looked@him&said, “I have terminal cancer. Let’s see if this gets paid,” then pulled away. 🕸🕸Motherf*cker.👎👎👎 #livedeathwatch #fthepolice #popo
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2017/12/06 17:08:52

@killertit
Am I up or am I down? I'm not sure. Born on the darkest night of Scorpio, my odds are ever shifting, but I'm 100% sure good-bad-luck follows me. Crappy things happen, but w/consolatory gifts — like having the worst prognosis, but responding well 2 the meds & maintaining a high level of normalcy for 6 yrs.🕸Right now, I have a small patch of a light non-itchy rash on my neck that looks like hickies. Again, best of the worst: appearing 2 bear signs of passion rather than hauling a mysterious bad reaction. It reminds me of when I was teargassed. It was in a packed tiny club, a grenade or Molotov cocktail was tossed in. Everyone ran out & reacting, but oddly very less affected was another & I. It reminded me of The Omen II, good bad luck. 🕸🕸Then there was that time I was at my friend’s family cabin. After just a tinkle, of course my flush was the fatal one 4 their toilet. I didn’t cause it, yet I killed it. Lucky 2have been there, bad 2have been there 4 that.🕸My college essay of yore was about this 2. The question I chose out of 3 was what my 15 minutes of fame would be. I said notoriety, by default. I’d be that person standing next 2the Leaning Tower of Pisa when it falls & the one blamed. My 15 minutes would be an international media storm, until evidence vindicated me & blew me back 2obscurity. I wrote that was how my life went.🕸I did get into the school, but sent 2their least prestigest program 1st: the worst of their best. Another is my eyesight. It tanked quickly & severely in middle school, but hasn't changed since. It's been decades plus 2. It’s things I can't control & nothing vague. Feast or famine. Cursed or blessed, never in-between. It's the Scorpio life, ruler of death & a world behind the shadows.⚪️🕸#Scorpio #mercuryretrograde #deathpositive #livingatstage4 #writings #15minutesoffame #livedeathwatch #talkdeath #deathdefying #lifeanddeath #8thhouse #scopion #deathnote #weirdosunite #badtiming #wrongplacewrongtime #meanderings #streamofconsciousness #optimism #scorpiolife #astrological #fullorempty #scorpiomoon #funnyhowlifeworks #godfather #moviememes #roughmorning #scorpioproblems
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2017/12/05 09:38:22

@killertit
I have a theory that everyone has to be everyone else for a lifetime. You, we, me & I keep getting reborn over & over, experiencing everyone. I get to be the bodega guy and the supermodel. The entire population. They have to be me. (However, one being may not equal one person, but a conglomerate of many, a socialist reincarnation situation.) It continues until it goes "right", with time as a treadmill with one storyline. ⚪️⚪️ ⚪️This isn't idealistic in a one love way. It's efficiency and more science than emotions. Feelings are tools, not results. Improprieties that happen only get reabsorbed back into me, you or I, like stubbing your big toe, but not feeling it until a year later. ⚪️⚪️I look at the people sitting opposite me on the subway and see me at another time. I see those parts I hate. The parts I want more for myself of & those parts I haven't felt yet. I feel the animosity and the curiosity. Somewhere in me, we, it all registers. I can no longer hate on the smelly, ugly or stupid because it's me eventually and currently. In seeing myself as a turn, I do appreciate myself better & worse. ⚪️⚪️What this all adds up to though? I'm not so sure. My brain lacks the incredible red bow to tie it all up neatly. I think if I could, I'd spontaneously combust. In this mortality, there is only so much I'll or we'll understand because if there was a way to know all the why's, it'd strip us of what it means to be human. ⚪️⚪️If this is true in anyway, then I'm putting in the request that if I had to return to this place again, please let my next turn be a chocolate point applehead Siamese cat. Nothing else would do or make sense, even if this also makes no sense. ⚪️⚪️⚪️#daydreaming #perfection #livedeathwatch #talkingaboutdying #deathisnatural #lifecycle #writings #appleheadsiamese #reincarnation #weirdosunite #collectiveunconscious #streamofconsciousness #lifeanddeath #transient #iamyouyouareme #lostcause #deathwithdignity #thebeyond #karma #onedayless #dreaming #deathnote #expressingmyself #talkingdeath #kitty #existentialangst #scorpioproblems #siamese #chocolatepoint #nonsense
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2017/12/04 10:40:32

@killertit
I love traveling and going it alone never stopped me nor stage4 cancer. I still do it, but now laugh about the "what ifs", like if I get human trafficked or stolen for organs. .☠️I’m not sure if there is a cut off age on these things though? I’d pass. I look appetizing, despite being medicated stale cake at a limited supply. In the case of farming my body, I can see the face of the person slicing me open. It’s like a meme or the time bomb emoji 💣: A bad deal that blows up in one's face, like the opening of an empty ransom suitcase. Joke is on them. .🤯Other benefits of living in this way is vacationing in war zones is open now. How practical and preferred it would be to go in one sweeping swoop, rather than the slow-drip version. If anything, traveling to such destinations can mean landing a great deal on airfare and who doesn't love a deal? Sadly though, everywhere now is a war-zone. ⚰️#deathhumor #irony #uncomfortable PS Video from Taofledermaus on #YouTube #deathwithdignity #wanderlust #deathisnatural #deathpositive #writing #tumorhumor #weliveinhell #hellonearth #warzone #blackhumor #lifeishell #onedayless #karmaisabitch #darkhumor #bumdeal #fullmoon #dailyrant #morte #muerte #supermoon #positivethinking #laughingtodeath #passingthoughts #memelife #livedeathwatch #rottenapple PSS Looked it up. I am too old 4 human trafficking! 14-25 is range. (I look young, but 25 would be stretching it.) Well, I guess that is another thing to add on the list of things going for me.
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2017/11/30 05:35:14

@killertit
There are a lot of people I no longer talk 2. I have left behind a bodycount of those that have betrayed me. This includes frenemies 2 those that lost my respect. Integrity matters in a good life. 🕸🕸This was no overnight ability thou, 2 keep psychically toxic free. It's taken me 4 a ride through rough waters that includes racism, domestic violence & an ambition 2 want more than these hardships suggested I deserved. 🕸🕸Unconditional love 4 every relationship isn't an easy task, but if starting requirements are basic, as in feeling the love or not, it is that simple. I place trust in my natural responses. I love or hate, keeping a healthy margin of error 4 perpetual lateness, cancelling last minute & petty foibles that don’t feel personal. I also knew everyone wasn’t going 2 be my friend, but 4 that small % I found a connection, I cherished. I prided my bonds & long-maintained friendships. 🕸🕸That was the old me. The new me must recalibrate. Talk about bleeding out: the dignity of death isn’t black&white, as people do get shady. Slowly, the lines 2 everything blur. Life gets severe slipping in-between those cracks & not wanting 2 live at anyone's mercy. It’s like mission impossible w/flakes, narcissists & social climbers as emotional landmines peppering the landscape. Sadly, U never know if ur one w/out facing the shallow temptations. It’s all part of the imperfections of being human & sorting out what u can live with. 🕸🕸Now, in the business of what I can die with: so far it’s confusion. In keeping peace w/myself, it means not withstanding another's bullshit, which includes those that pick fights, have no gratitude or treat me however because they extend themselves how they want. They can exit promptly, as I don't tether. Yes, integrity is integral 2 dying well too, if only 2 speed up the process. ⚪️⚪️2Bcont’ 🕸 (word limits, argh)#lizardlove #dailyrant #lizard #rant #writing #onedayless #livedeathwatch #deathpositive #gooddeath #terminal #Scorpio #issues #deathwithdignity #introspection #integrity #onedayless #friendships #pastelgoth #talkdeath #flakes #narcissist #theshadeofitall #illness #fakefriends #frienemies #frenemies #antisocial #scorpio
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2017/11/26 12:00:23

@killertit
Bad camera work, but completely fascinated with this spider wrecking fatal havoc on whatever bug it caught. 🕸Too bad no one ever really sees it coming, but so is the cycle of life. 🕸PS Spiders are handy for killing all other bugs in the house. #funfact #trivia #spider #insects #bugs #fatality #trapped #deathpositive #lifecycle #survival #dying #fatal #lilkiller #deathbattle #entomology #bugslife #livedeathwatch #arthropods #arachnid #spinning #nature #woah #bugout #web #spiderweb #sheworkshardforthehoney
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2017/11/24 05:00:39

@killertit
'Tis the holiday that speaks 2 me least. Never been a fan & won’t start now. This year, my plan is 2be w/my couch, watching Mob Wives & eating an #Entenmanns cake. ☁️☁️Along w/the racial history that rubs me wrong, I’m not in2 the food either. Turkey isn't my thing& their slaughter reminds me of when I was in 3rd grade, moving 2the suburbs—which I thought was the country — people down the street bought their own bird, fattened it up & killed it the morning of. I’d hear later how it'd run around headless. Some demises echoed down the block. Brutal.☁️I had no memory of Thanksgiving, until submerged in2 the suburban landscape of Americana & knowing a different place in it than I knew in NYC. It wasn’t a holiday I connected w/. Still, I’ve always celebrated it & have had the spectrum of experiences, including Celine Dion in Vegas w/descendants of the Mayflower; big & little family get-togethers filled w/madness & never enough seats: escapes from places & faces 2 amazing parties w/tables of food favorites from all corners of the world, music, people & perfect vibes. There were midnight turkeys, hammocks, groovy drinks, expats & cutie friends. There have been so many I can't remember all. ☁️☁️I watched Dog Day Afternoon in bed before one holiday. Did I mention I don’t cook? I've gone 2 several dinners in a night 4 several yrs, a lifetime ago. There was never enough cabs & inevitable traffic always. ☁️☁️This yr, I wanted 2 travel, but laryngitis put that on hold. Last yr, I bailed last minute on an invite w/great proximity 2 home. Then, it was raining cats & dogs, compounded w/the Dakota Access Pipeline protests at breaking point & the pending government transfer 2 an inexperienced buffoon w/a warlord's mentality. All signs pointed 2 an apocalypse. I bowed out.☁️A year later, I’m still alive & it’s enough. Break me out of this comfort cocoon though, it'll render me thankless.🦃#thanksgiving #gratitude #mobwives #thanksgivingmemes #livedeathwatch #familydrama #memes #vegetarian #nationalmourningday #meme #thanksgivingclapback #gangsta #vegetarianproblems #bingewatching #couchpotato #holidays #🦃
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2017/11/23 15:10:26

@killertit
(🐝🐝continued from) Alone, I’d toss and turn, get out my bed; open other people’s doors. I couldn’t be alone. Never being allowed to sleep in my parent’s bed, ever, I slept on my sister’s floor, at the foot of her bed crying like a dog with a thorn in its paw. I couldn’t stop myself. By the end the summer, my father forced me back to my room, where I knew no one was having it and no one was coming, ever. I wanted to regress. I was in the throes of an existential coming of consciousness and having a Scorpio-style soul awakening. I couldn’t explain, shut myself up or cry quietly behind my own closed door. 🚪🎤Pathetically alone....so pathetically lonely. (🎤This last part read in a bluesy way.) 🎷🎸Lesson learned: Nobody is going to give a fuck as much as I give a fuck about my feelings. Even if anyone did give a morsel(s) of a fuck, no one could do it for me. Mortality was a bitch of a pill to swallow, bottoming out my stomach and turning time into quicksand. Childhood went kaput after that. Feeling the psychic thud of fully landing onto this planet and knowing there was no turning back left me in a knot. Satisfaction not guranteed. 2bCont (existential crisis)...#existentialcrisis #childhoodmemories #thinkingoutloud #deathwatch #stage4 #deathawakening #mortality #age9 #wakingup #deathpositive #deathnote #deathtalk #terminalillness #existential #scorpio #anxietyissues #comingofage #ktdeathwatch #nervous #aquatic #blues #bleedinggums #livedeathwatch